Tag Archives: feelings

Dreams and Reality

Do you remember your first kiss upon my lips? That was the moment you captured my            heart and it was that day in the world of reality where our love began .                              My heart was racing and my thoughts were running along beside you into the land of                dreams where you easily convinced me that we belong  together.                                        Even  though I really knew it would only be in the land of dreams; so I remained with                you from that moment on anyway.     

The land of dreams is where our love began to blossom and the longer our                                       conversations became,                                                                                                                             the deeper our love grew, but the many words of love we spoke confused me;                   I’d suddenly find myself back in world of reality; and you always came to take me back              with you into the land of dreams. It never failed.                                       

With your sweet words of love you’d escort me so gently back into the land of dreams to             always have me by your side.                                                                                                                    But I do so want to stay in the world of reality because lies surround me in the land of                  dreams and are always found, I couldn’t hide so I would run away.                                     But, you are always able to bring me back into the land of dreams with ease, and that               is also why I have to leave you there in the land dreams and return to the world of               reality.                                                                                                                                                                  The land of dreams always tries to hide the lies, but they’re always found.                                                                                        

Where do you live today my love? I toss and turn in the sleepless nights I have many                      times.                                                                                                                                                                     I could not survive in the land of dreams forever and I needed to return to the world of               reality; lest my heart would break from your hiding the truth from me.                            I know you did and still do that’s why I wish you would join me here in the world of                        reality, but alas, I know you are not able to do so, for the dreams try to hide the                    lies but how could they?                                                                                                                           That is what the land of dreams is made of; little lies that grow up and anchor                                   themselves in your very heart until nothing but lies comes back out of the heart.                                                                                             

Although my heart  may always want to live there with you in the land dreams, you will                 take my heart and try to protect in the clouds, but I told you that the lies always                   win over the dreams because that’s all dreams are made of.                                                  I don’t want to live in the land of dreams anymore and that is why I have to leave you.                                                                                                               

Because here in the world of reality is where my heart will forever live, carefree, and                     ready to find true love right here in the world of reality.                                                          Try to remember the year 2020 with fondness; for it was a very good year in the land of                 dreams.                                                                                                                                                               I fell asleep on the clouds so soft, I could have remained in the land of dreams  forever                 with you.                                                                                                                                                          Still, the world of reality kept calling me but it was a little lie that awakened me and                         then I truly knew lies are always found; for they cannot hide there in the land of                    dreams.                                                                                                                                                         So I have to return to the world of reality. Where my favorite little lie cannot grow into                    a big one.

You play so innocently, on top of the clouds and shout I love you without a doubt.            My favorite lie was the the that could shout so loudly but I had to squish it there in the                       land of dreams because I could not take it with me into the world of reality         As for me, I would rather lose you with the truth  than win you with a lie.                 Goodbye my love. I will never forget you.

                                                                                         

A Writing Assignment

There was a time I was shy and it was in my childhood years. The feelings within me were too much for me to bear alone, but alone I did bear them as everyone else did. I was only five or six years old. It’s truly strange that they were so severe that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, but every morning I would wake up. I wanted to die but I didn’t know how to do that. If I could just disappear, I would have been happy. I never could do that either. So, onward I grew into an adult, but there were a few personal recognitions along the way along with badly needed validation from peers.
Therefore, I grew up despite my inadequacies. Along the way, there were far too many bumps, I thought. When I grew up and looked back at my childhood there were some good times, and there were a few times that I did shine in my own right. Remembering an assignment that we had to do on the spur of the moment, the teacher asked us all how we would act if we found a mouse in our slipper when we got out of bed. The teacher called on each of us in no particular order; but I never understood why she usually called on me last and this time was no different. Each student did nothing but yawned, stretched, put their slippers on ran and screamed. I am so glad that I was last because I thought the way they were all doing the same thing was pretty boring.
When finally, my turn came around I yawned too, but I also wiped the sleep from my eyes, stretched, and yawned again. I then picked up one slipper put it on and put my foot back on the floor. I then slipped my other foot into the other slipper, made a puzzled face, wiggled my foot, and then I picked up my slipper, looked in it, shook it; and as the mouse fell out and scampered away, I drew in a deep noisy breath, made my eyes widen, put a terrified look on my face and then disgustedly I threw the slipper on the floor. The entire class was laughing and so was the teacher. It made me smile.
My teacher applauded me and said that is what would happen in a real situation. She asked what I did differently than everyone else did. So she called on some to answer the questions, and then she added that you had to look in the slipper to see what it was first before you would react. She praised me in front of the class. I did shine inside and out the rest of the day. Who would’ve thought that school could be fun? I found that I loved improvising.
This class was on writing and public speaking and I loved it. Another time comedy was on the agenda. We were all to write a story about a funny way something was invented. I told my dad I was stuck and didn’t know what to write about. My dad said he had an idea. I could write on how the twist was invented. I asked what he meant he said maybe an ice cube had somehow fallen inside a fat lady’s dress. I thought about that and since it was freezing cold while it was melting, she would first turn one way and then other just trying to get the ice cube out of her dress without reaching down inside her dress to get it. Then it finally fell out but not before everyone was laughing and the kids started doing this new dance, they called it the twist and from then on, the twist has been a big fat hit.

It was then that I became aware I could do something pretty well. I could write, and I found that every time I wrote something and one of my peers read it, I found validation in their expressions after reading it. I loved writing. I found that I could make people feel something in appreciation whether it was funny, sad, or just a feel-good story. I found that people could identify with the things I wrote about. It didn't matter if it was written for them or someone else. My writing was not meaningless. Each story meant something to the reader because they could identity with the feelings or a similar situation, they may have found themselves in at one time. No, each person has a talent of some sort, and their talent is not wasted on someone who admires their work. Whether someone hated it or loved it, I find validation in their comments they leave on my posts. It made them feel something and that is validation. My work is not trash to anyone for whom the article was not written. I write about feelings, human nature, and life in general.
Somehow, as time went on, I grew from a shy child that could hardly speak above a whisper, to a woman who could voice her own feelings though writing.  In time I found that others appreciated what I have experienced in life and felt through those experiences and I saw that they could identify with the same things we are all exposed to in life. Yes, many have come from dysfunctional families, and then there are others that came from what is considered normal too. I never did know that and through my writing I found that to be true. It was time, circumstances, effort, and validation from others that brought me out of my shell and blossom into a writer that is capable, as are many others, to express their thoughts in writing that are able to strike a nerve whether good or bad.

Mom’s Alzheimer’s

When mom started doing strange things, we sort of laughed at her, as she herself did along with us. She was living with my brother in his house at this time. However, things didn’t stay funny, they got worse, and things had to change. It was up to my sister and me to do something.

Let’s go back to when we started noticing things that we all thought were funny. We would find her keys in the refrigerator, an item that she misplaced we found in the back of a closet. That day she may have driven 3 or 4 blocks out of her way and didn’t know why. She forgot to pay bills so Lynn and I started doing her shopping

Then things got worse. She was going to a friend’s house that was close to mine. The nursery at the corner called me and said that my mother drove in a ditch in front of the nursery. Being concerned, I told them I would be right over to get her. They told me the forklift got her out and she seemed dazed. I asked to speak to her and they told me that she’s not there, she was gone. NO…NO…NO I thought to myself why did you let her leave I wanted to say but didn’t. Instead, I got in my car and went looking for her myself. When I couldn’t see her on any road, I went home and started calling her on the phone. It took her three hours to get home. We only lived 30 minutes to her house.

The second incident put her in far more danger than the first one. She went to NH to visit her sister and spread dad’s ashes at his former college. I got a call at midnight from my aunt Margie in NH. She further told me that when she had called and didn’t know where for sure Margie told her to ask someone and then mom said that she was in some town on the shoreline which was 200 miles out of the way. Mom said that she was going to stay at the B&B she was at and would drive to her house in the morning. Mom got there the next day after noon. She had been a long way from Alstead.

Definitely, we knew that something was wrong and it was time to find out what. Lynn found an expert in geriatrics who was teaching classes in Alzheimer’s and Dementia at the University of Colorado which is where mom went for all her doctors. He asked if we could hang around for part of his lecture so he could show an example of an Alzheimer’s patient. My sister and I agreed. When he introduced her, he mentioned a couple of symptoms. Did he have to point out that she looked a little lost and scared?

Then my brother had us all over for a picnic. He asked my mom to go get the broom for him. She got to the top of the stairs and began to get that lost look on her face. Meanwhile, I went upstairs to get something for my brother and my mother was standing in the middle of the small hallway at the entrance muttering that she was afraid to ask Ronny what she was supposed to get. I yelled down at him to find out what mom was supposed to get. Ronny said impatiently that he already told her 3 times a broom and I pointed to where it was. In the meantime, I had gone and got what Ronny wanted. So here, our mother was handing Ronny a bag for trash. Ronny told me that she was deliberately trying to make him crazy. I tried to tell him it was the Alzheimer’s and she couldn’t help her forgetfulness and wasn’t trying to make him crazy.  He said that Lynn and I had to move her out of his house and that he couldn’t take anymore of her pretending. Again, I tried to explain that she can’t help that she forgets. It’s not a game or trying to make you nuts, but if you really want her out, we will move her.

Lynn and I started looking for a place for her to live and I (for lack of anyone wanting the job) got to be her POA. Lynn found one right away which was a new place. It was a one-bedroom senior’s only apartment building. The manager told us straight up that this was not assisted living and there’s not always someone there so she has to get things done and if she gets a lot worse, she will need assisted living arrangements. Therefore, the long road begins. In 1999, Bill and I decided to move to Missouri. Somewhere quiet and settle down there. You know, someplace with a couple of acres. We had bought a 4plex in Joplin and the first floor was empty. Until we sold our house in CO, we had nowhere to go, so we stayed on the first floor of our 4plex.

We had been out here for 6 months and Lynn called and said that she wanted mom to come out here. Lynn insisted that she didn’t want to take care of her anymore. Therefore, I went back to Denver got mom and brought her out here. The first place I looked was perfect for her. The staff was wonderful, the administrator involved with the patients, and the food just like mom cooked. The décor was classy.

Each and every day I went to see mom and spent four to five hours with her. We’d read, put puzzles together, and talked. I got to know mom as an adult instead of a mother. Getting to know her as an adult was a privilege that showed me why people loved her so much.

Then in 2008, I fell and broke my shoulder, had to put mom in the nursing home, and Bill had already been diagnosed with dementia and so begins the long journey …

Underestimate

Why would you want to do that?

I underestimated myself all the time until I took a good look at the word and then a good look at myself. Using the thesaurus, I found the first word listed was “under value”

I didn’t know myself at all. Here I was plugging along and just going through the motions of life. I never stopped to think that I had any value at all. Until I got off  “my little pity pot” and took an honest look at myself.

  1. Yes, I had faults, so does every one
  2. I just had no energy and I didn’t care if I made a difference in anybody else’s life
  3. I’ve never felt I was worth anything at all. OK I told myself.. 

It’s time to get off the pity pot and get some positive juices going. The reasons above are now things of the past. First of all, I am a person who is a giving person, I love people and it makes me happy to give to others. I know that I make them happy because they always tell me how glad they are when I stopped in and visit them, or bring them something to eat when they’re sick.

Then there are all those years that I contributed to society by working, paying taxes Then there is the fact that I have talent in some things. I love photography, and I have a knack for writing. It doesn’t matter, stories, diaries, resumes, etc. I found that when I looked at life through the eyes of an objective person, I have a lot of worth.

So, let’s all get off of our “little pity pots” and take a good look at ourselves. I will never underestimate myself again and I bet you won’t either.

Dementia and/or Alzheimer’s?

Have you ever wondered if there is a difference between Alzheimer’s and Dementia? Does it even matter? Why should you care?

A few specialists say there are no distinctions and they utilize both Alzheimer’s and Dementia equally. Some specialists find there are a couple of contrasts yet say they all end up in the phase of Alzheimer’s so it doesn’t make a difference what it is called. In the two articles in Lifescript.com, and ALZ.org there are varying opinions.

Alzheimer’s sickness is the most widely recognized reason for extreme mental deterioration (dementia) in the elderly. It has been evaluated that 30% to half of the individuals more than 85 years of age experience the ill effects of this condition.

Continue reading Dementia and/or Alzheimer’s?